Excerpts
A little splattering of some words of wisdom from the first few chapters of Football is for Lovers:
From the Introduction
. . . before we launch into the 'why-you-should-learn-the-game-of-football' pitch, those of you who are already motivated, have more torridity in your lovelife than you can handle, are blessed with mirth-laden relationships, and have only gotten (or been given) Football is for Lovers so that you could understand the game of football, feel free to jump on down to Chapter V, Football Pre-101 (the really basic basics).
From Chapter I
In this chapter, we will begin to explore the underlying reasons for your aversion to football. Well, other than that your lover completely ignores you during the game, spills beer on the rug when his team does something great, completely ignores you during the game, spills beer on the rug when his team does something awful, and completely ignores you during the game.
From Chapter II
. . . now that we've established what's in it for you, the next question is: how do you go about getting it?
Well, it seems to us, while halfway decent sex may be available to most of the people most of the time, great sex goes deeper than that. We'd say no pun intended, but what the heck.
From Chapter III
Ah, yes. The delicious implications of that lascivious question: what are you wearing tonight? You know it's coming, and you're already tantalized by the possibilities.
You check the TV guide to see who's playing. If you're lucky, it will be the Oakland Raiders. They have these really hot basic black uniforms. And you know how good you look in basic black.
From Chapter IV
. . . if you drag your prejudices to the game, the result will be similar to dragging your lover to a Dubuffet exhibition. That is, you will not get the candy. Nor will you get the candy by faking it. When you ask what inning it is, people know.
From Chapter V
If the guy who is about to catch the ball notices that the opposition is close enough to hurt him as soon as he does, he's allowed to signal for what's known as a 'fair catch.' That is, the other guys are not allowed to hit him, and the next play will start at the point where he wussed out . . . er, called for the fair catch.
From Chapter VI
. . . it's really a matter of logic: big guys in front (they're called linemen . . . as in guys on the line of scrimmage); smaller (also fast and quick) guys behind them (called backs . . . as in guys in back of the linemen in front). Geez! Could this stuff get any easier? Dew Drop Inn.